Confusion and Hurt
by forgotten favorite
Summary: Horatio finds more than one thing breathtaking! DuCaine COMPLETE
1. Chapter One Honesty

Chapter One: Honesty

"Are you okay?" said Horatio, pulling a sobbing Calleigh into his warm arms. She had appeared on his doorstep in a sobbing mess at ten-o-clock at night. He felt in the way she was shaking, something was seriously wrong.

"It's...it's..." she said, barely able to speak.

"Shh. It's going to be okay." he said, pulling her inside of his house, still holding her close. He led her to the couch to sit down. She clung tightly to him as if he was the only thing keeping her alive. He let her cry into his chest while he rubbed her back trying to get her to calm down.

"Horatio, I'm scared." said Calleigh, still softly crying into Horatio's chest, afraid to look into his eyes.

"Why? You're safe." said a very worried Horatio.

"Horatio, I've been... well..." she began in a very shaky voice.

"What is it, Sweetheart?" he said, pushing her back and pulling her chin up so he could look into her eyes. He searched them to see if he could figure out what was going on. All he saw was confusion but mostly hurt.

"This isn't the easiest thing to say, Horatio. I've kept it a secret for almost a year now."

"I'm listening, Cal. You can go on." he said, holding her hands and looking deep into her eyes.

"It all started after Speed died. It came like it was a normal thought. I didn't know what to think. Is it real? Is it something I should do? I kept thinking about it. Especially at night, when I was alone in the dark. I was just so scared that I wasn't able to sleep for a long period of time. That's why I've been so distant at work. It was there."

"Cal, what is it? It's okay, just tell me. I'm here for you for a reason." he said as she began to cry again.

"I've been tempted to... um... cut myself." she said, sobbing so hard that Horatio could barely understand her.

"Oh Cal, why, sweetheart, why? I love you! Why would you ever think of going through this alone? I'm here. Tell me everything." he said, pulling her deep into his arms hoping to get his message through to her.

"Well, that's not even the worst part."

"Don't tell me you've done it. Have you?" he said in a soft, very concerned voice.

"Yes, unfortunately I have, Horatio," she said, ducking her head like a bad dog that misbehaved. "Tonight. That's why I came over."

"Oh Calleigh. I'm so sorry. But why did you do it?"

"That voice, in my head, seemed so real. Do it Cal, it had said. You'll feel so much better. If only that were true. I thought it would get rid of my pain, my hurt for Tim. It only made it worse. Now I hurt more for him and more for myself, and you." she said, saying the last words while looking into his deep, caring eyes of comfort. "I've hurt you now. That's something I'll never forgive myself for."

"Oh, Cal. You must forgive yourself. " he said, as his tears began to mix with Calleigh's. "I love you. That's all that matters to me. That and you . When you walked into my office your first day of work, I thought, wow, that's a girl that I could spend the rest of my life with. From then on, I made sure that you were never hurting without my knowledge . I can't believe I never saw this coming. I could tell that something was wrong from the way you were acting but I never got a true response. I could see it in your eyes that you were hiding something from me but I couldn't tell what. I didn't want to pressure you into telling me. I'm just glad you told me now. I wish that you had told me sooner so I could have prevented it." he said, holding her close to him. It hurt him just to think about the pain and trials Calleigh had been through in the last year. He couldn't imagine how it felt to be her right now.

"Horatio, I'm sorry. I'll leave. I'm just too big of a pain." she said, pulling away and heading towards the door when Horatio caught her hand.

"Calleigh, you can't go home alone right now. We both know what will happen. You're too fragile. Emotionally and physically. Stay here with me tonight. Let me hold you and hear about all your problems and hurt." he said, standing up and pulling her into his arms. "Let me into your head and heart." He lifted her chin and as she closed her eyes, he did likewise and kissed her, ever so gently but enough to let her know that he cared and he was there.

"Thanks, Horatio. Thanks for everything." she said, laying her head against his chest and putting her arms around his neck as a lifeline.

"Anything for you, Cal. Anything for you."


	2. Chapter Two By the Moonlight

**Disclaimer: I don't own any CSI characters. If I did there would be a DuCaine relationship on air. :) **

**A/N Thanks to those who reviewed. I appriciate it. If I don't get more reviews for this chapter I won't post more more. Thanks again!!!**

Chapter Two: By the Moonlight

That night, when they were getting ready for bed after a long night of consoling on Horatio's part, Calleigh sat down on the edge of the bed and started to cry yet again. Horatio sat down next to Calleigh and put his arms around her.

"I know it's hard, Cal, but you've eventually got to trust yourself. And me. Why don't you let yourself relax tonight with me. I can tell you've tried but it hasn't worked. Sleep in my arms tonight and let yourself feel safe for once in the past year."

"Okay. I'll try."

"Maybe the problem will be resolved with some sleep. I know you haven't gotten a full night's rest in the past year. "

"I don't know Horatio. It's impacted me a lot. I don't know if I'll ever heal."

"Just trust me."

They climbed into Horatio's bed and he held her tight against his chest, something she was glad for. She knew in her heart that if she hadn't told him tonight, she would have never told anyone and would be dead within the next week. She knew that now that he knew, their relationship would be changed forever. She just hoped it would be for the better.

Sleep soon consumed them both. Calleigh was finally sleeping without the fear that had captured her since Tim's death.

Around three a.m. the next morning, Horatio woke up to a cold, empty bed and the smell of blood. In an instant he was up. He knew Calleigh was still there but he just didn't know where. He followed his gut and headed toward the kitchen. He knew he'd find her there with a knife. Whether she was dead or alive, he was unsure.

As he approached the kitchen, he could hear soft crying. Inside he cheered knowing that she was still alive but also he was still sad knowing she was bleeding. He found her tucked into a dark corner of his kitchen. She had a knife in her hands that was dripping with blood. Her blood. It mixed with her tears that were running down her face like a waterfall. Instantly, he was at her side, holding her close to him. She held onto him tightly.

"I'm sorry, Horatio. I don't know what to do."

"Calleigh, you've got to stop hurting yourself. You will never heal if you do."

"I know." she said, still clinging to Horatio as if he was the only thing that was holding her together.

"Where did you cut yourself?" he asked, pulling away and taking the knife out of Calleigh's hands.

"Last night, down my left leg, tonight, down my right leg." she answered, still sobbing.

"Let's clean the wounds and wrap them." Horatio said, picking up Calleigh and carrying her into the bathroom.

As Horatio was cleaning up her legs and wrapping them in gauze, he paused for a moment and looked into her eyes saying, "How did you get to this point? I'm usually a very light sleeper."

"You had rolled over away from me. I felt alone. I knew you were inches away from me but it felt like miles. I got up, very slow, and before I knew it, I was standing in the middle of your kitchen. All I remember seeing was a long, shiny knife in a drawer. I saw my fingers wrap around the cold steel. I didn't feel a thing. I then remember walking into the dark corner and sitting down. Last night, when I cut myself, I was standing and when the metal hit my leg, I passed out. I remembered that and so I sat down. For a while I just sat there, rubbing the blade. Then, I took my other hand, pulled up the leg of my pants, and let the blade cut into my skin. That was the only thing I felt. That and my blood going in-between my fingers. Then I passed out. I woke up several minutes after. I was still holding the knife. I couldn't believe what I had done. I started to cry but then I tried to stop so I wouldn't wake you up. Before I knew it, you were there with me, holding me close."

"Wow. No wonder you're scared."

Calleigh began to cry again. Horatio scooped her up into his arms and carried her to the living room couch. He sat her on top of him and rocked her like a baby and let her cry into his chest. After about five minutes, she relaxed and fell asleep. He just held her and rocked her as she slept and thought about the past six hours. They had been through a lot. He knew that they had grown closer together then they had ever been before. He also knew that this would change their lives forever. He just never realized how much.


	3. Chapter Three Mental Breakdown

**A/N Hey everybody. Thanks to TenFour for reviewing! You're freaking awesome!! Please review. Reviews make me write faster...**

Chapter Three: Mental Breakdown

When Calleigh woke up a few hours later, Horatio rode with her to her house. He didn't dare leave her alone for even a few minutes. When they got there, Calleigh let them in. When she saw the blood in the living room, she passed out into Horatio's arms. He carefully laid her on the couch and closed the front door. He headed down the hall to find some cleaning supplies. Once he found them, he cleaned up the mess. He put everything back and went back to Calleigh's side. She finally came around. She looked up into Horatio's eyes expecting anger or worry but all she saw was love. Love for her.

"I think you need the day off, Cal. I'll stay her with you."

"No. I can't. I don't want everyone to think that something is wrong with me. They will all come over thinking I'm sick. It just get's so depressing when everyone comes over. I'll always let you in though, Horatio. In here." she said, putting his hand on her chest.

With tears in his eyes he said, "I know, Cal. I'll do the same thing." He put her free hand on his chest. Calleigh leaned up and hugged him while they both were crying. For once their tears weren't full of sadness, they were full of happiness and love.

By seven-o-clock, they were on their way to work. When they got there, Horatio grabbed Calleigh's hand before she had a change to get out. As they locked eyes, he said, "Cal, you have to promise me that you won't hurt yourself. I won't be able to stand by and watch your every move. Please, Cal. For me."

"I promise."

"Cal, I love you." he said looking deep into her eyes.

"I love you too, Horatio." she said, leaning over and giving him a quick kiss.

They got out of Horatio's Hummer and headed towards the building. They walked in together and then went their separate way.

A few hours later, Calleigh sat in the ballistics lab working on the newest case. She let herself get caught up in her work. She didn't want to remind herself of her legs and the knifes that made them the way they were. She was so evolved in her work that she didn't notice Horatio come in.

"Hey beautiful. How are you holding up?" he said, walking over to her.

"I was fine until you scared me."

"I'm sorry. Are you hungry?"

"Yes, as a matter of fact I am. Wait, I don't know if my boss will let me take a lunch break." she said, trying hard not to laugh or smile.

"Why wouldn't he?"

"Maybe he thinks I'll take too long to eat."

"Maybe he takes longer than you to eat."

"Let's find out, shall we." she said, as he held out his elbow for her.

"Give me one second to put this gun away."

"Don't make me wait too long, Cal. My stomach might eat you." Horatio responded, laughing.

"Mine would eat you first." she said, just as Alexx walked in.

"What's going on you two?" Alexx asked, quizzically.

"I'm just making Calleigh take a break from her work to come have lunch with me." answered Horatio. "Don't worry, Alexx. It's not like we're cannibals or something."

"I never know with you two." she said. "Horatio, can I talk to you in your office." Turning to Calleigh she said, "It's nothing personal, sweetheart, I just need to talk to your lunch date about something private."

"Don't worry about it, Alexx. I didn't think that you were trying to steal my lunch date away from me." she turned to Horatio. "Meet you in the garage."

"Okay, Cal."

When Alexx and Horatio reached his office, he closed the door after letting Alexx walk through first.

"What do you need, Alexx?"

"Horatio, is something going on between you and Calleigh? You haven't been this happy in a long time."

"Why would you think that?"

"You and her are just acting differently around each other today. I was wondering if something happened last night that will change you guys forever."

"Something did happen last night that will change everything. I wish I could tell you because it's not what you think but I'd have to talk to Calleigh about it first."

"I appreciate your honesty, Horatio. Why don't you ask Calleigh during lunch and get back to me later."

"I will, Alexx. It just might not be today."

"I'm here, Horatio. If you need to talk."

"I know, Alexx. I know. "

"I'll let you get back to your lunch date now. She's probably very anxious."

"Thanks, Alexx. I'll try and keep you informed."

As Alexx left Horatio's office, he grabbed his sunglasses and followed her out, closing the door behind him.

When Horatio got into his Hummer, Calleigh was already in the passenger's seat. He looked over at her and when she didn't respond to him, he followed her gaze to his knife that he kept in the Hummer in case of emergencies.

As he reached down to grab it, Calleigh stopped him and said, "I need to learn to resist, Horatio. I need to stop."

"That's my girl. That's your first step in the right direction." When she didn't respond to him, he sat there and watched her. Her eyes were shut tight and she was quietly saying, "I can't. I won't," over and over again. All of a sudden, her hand snapped out and grabbed the knife.

"Calleigh, put the knife down." Horatio said in a commanding voice.The blade popped open. "Calleigh..." She outstretched her arm. Before she could do anything else, Horatio gently took the knife from her hand. "I know you don't want to do this, Cal."

As she began to cry, Horatio closed the knife and put it back in it's place. "I didn't think it would be this hard." she said, almost inaudibly.

"Oh, Cal," Horatio began putting his arms around her, "nothing's easy. Not anymore. Let me help you through this. What are you thinking right before you do this?"

"All that goes through my head is I'm alone."

"You're not alone, Cal. You're never alone. You're in my heart and I hope that I'm in yours."

"You will always be in my heart, Horatio. I've engraved you there."

As she said those last words, Horatio felt them deeply because he felt the same way.

"I'm okay now, Horatio. Let's go to lunch." she said brushing away her tears.

"You sure? I don't want to go if you're not ready."

"I'm ready." she said, sitting up straight and putting on her seat belt.

"Okay then. Let's go."

When they got to the restaurant, Horatio lead Calleigh to a back corner table. He pulled out her chair and then sat down himself. While they were eating, he casually brought up the topic of there relationship.

"Calleigh..."

"Yes." she said, looking up to meet his eyes.

"Where are we? In our relationship. Are we more than good friends?"

"I like to think that we are." she said, bashfully.

"Are we okay to talk about this?"

"I think that we need to. I like to think that we are,,,"

"Together?" She nodded. "Me too." he said, reached across the table to take her hands in his. "Are we keeping it a secret?"

"For now I think we should."

"I agree. Are we keeping you're..."

"Problem a secret?" she finished for him. "Yes. I don't want people to think I crazy or something. What did Alexx want? Can you tell me?"

"She wanted to know if there was anything going on between us."

"What did you say?"

"I just asked her why she thought that."

"And..." Calleigh prompted.

"And she said because we were acting differently around each other. She thought something had happened last night."

"You didn't tell her about me did you?" Calleigh said, frightened.

"No I didn't. All I said was that something did happen last night but it wasn't what she thought. I told her I'd ask you about it and then give her an update."

"Thank you for not telling her. I'd rather you don't tel her until we have to."

"Okay. It's up to you. Are you ready to go?"

"Yes. Let's go."

Horatio drove them back to work and they both went their separate ways again. When Horatio ran into Alexx he told her that Calleigh wasn't comfortable with telling any one right now but might later. Then he went to his office and sat down to a new stack of paperwork.

Calleigh headed down to the morgue to answer her page. Alexx had some new information about the dead body.

When Calleigh got to the morgue, it was empty aside from the dead bodies. She had never really looked around the morgue before and decided that this was her chance to do so. Her eyes wandered around the room, taking in everything. Her eyes landed on a scalpel. The only things that popped into her head were sharp, pointy, and blood. She moved around the autopsy table towards the scalpel. Her eyes were glued to it. She knew that she shouldn't touch it and feel the cold steel but she did. She couldn't believe her mind was going there again. She fought for as long as she could. She made up her mind. She dropped the scalpel and turned to run when pain shot through her foot. She looked down and saw blood coming out of it. She was out cold within seconds.

"It's Calleigh." he muttered to himself as he headed toward the morgue with worry in his eyes.

He burst into the morgue within less than a minute later. He was at Calleigh's side as soon as he saw her. "Calleigh?"

"Horatio. My foot." she grimaced.

"You will be okay. I'm here. " he said in a whisper only she could hear. "What happened?"

"The morgue was empty. I looked around and my eyes landed on the scalpel. I picked it up and then decided not to do it. I decided to drop it and run. I started to run when pain coursed through my foot. I looked down and saw blood. That's all I remember." she said in a low whisper, still fighting the pain in her foot.

"Good for you. You did it. You stopped yourself when no one was there. I'm proud of you, Cal." he said, putting his arms around her and giving her a hug. He found it difficult since she was laying on a stretcher. "I'll be right back. I'm going to go and talk with Alexx. Don't worry, I won't tell her."

"I know you would never tell her without my permission."

Horatio walked over to Alexx, who was standing aside, watching from a distance.

"How's she doing, Horatio."

"She's doing okay. For now."

"That's good."

"Alexx, I need to know what happened when you got here."

"I walked in just as she hit the floor. I was at her side within seconds. She was unconscious but still breathing as you already knew. I elevated her foot and put a cloth on it to help slow the bleeding. As she started to come to, she kept asking for you. I reassured her that you were on your way. She started to cry. The paramedics rushed in right before you did."

"Thank you, Alexx. Are you okay?"

"The better question is are you okay?"

"I'll be fine once I know that Calleigh is okay."

"Then I'm fine as well."

"Horatio.." muttered a hoarse voice that could only be Calleigh's.

"Coming." he said as he walked quickly to her side.

"I want to tell Alexx now." she said, very, very quietly when he got to her side.

"Are you sure?"

"She has a right to know after she found me like this." she grimaced as the paramedics wrapped her foot.

"Okay. Alexx?" he called.

"Yes Horatio. Calleigh." she said, coming over to them.

"Go ahead, Cal."

"Alexx," she began, taking Alexx's hand in hers, "I have a quite serious problem."

"What is it, honey?" said Alexx, putting her other hand on top of Calleigh's.

"I've been cutting myself." she said very quietly, starting to cry.

"What?" Alexx said completely shocked.

"I've been cutting myself. With a knife." she managed to say.

"Oh sweetheart, why?" she said, as she reached down and hugged her.

"I've felt so alone. Like if I disappeared, no one would care. It all started after Tim died."

"Oh." said Alexx, quietly.

"You have to promise me that you won't tell anyone, Alexx. I don't want anyone else to know. They'll think I'm weak." Calleigh said, looking Alexx in the eyes. She had stopped crying.

"My bullet girl isn't weak." Horatio said, bending over and hugging her tight.

"No your not." Alexx agreed. "You shouldn't feel like this. You should know that we all care about you, especially Horatio." she said, giving Horatio a look that clearly said we'll talk about this later.

"I know. It's just so hard." Calleigh said, beginning to cry again.

"Maybe you just need some time away from work with someone special." she said, motioning with her head towards Horatio, winking.

Calleigh smiled shyly. "Horatio, can I have a minute alone with Alexx, please." her eyes never leaving Alexx's eyes.

"Sure. I'll be right over there if you need me." he said, with a concerned voice.

As he left, Alexx said, "So what's going on between you two?"

"Well," Calleigh began, shyly, "it just sort of happened. When I cut myself the first time at my house, the first thought that came to mind was I need to tell Horatio. He cares. I didn't even think about anyone else. I showed up on his doorstep sobbing late at night and he let me in. I just feel so... safe and secure when I'm with him. I slept in his arms last night and then cut myself this morning at about three. He was there and he didn't even care that I had gotten blood everywhere. He just cared... about me. He was there every time I needed him. I feel like I can talk to him about anything at all. We talked over lunch and decided together that we are... together." she said, blushing. "I'll be staying at his house for the next while so he can help me with this. I just... I don't know... he just feels like the one. You know."

"Yes, I do, honey. It's love. That's what it is. I can see it in your eyes. You're scared until he shows up and then you're suddenly more relaxed. He cares about you more than anything in the world. If it feels right then go for it. Don't let him push you away. He's worth it."

"You think?" Calleigh asked, biting her lower lip.

"I know." Alexx said, smiling at the blushing face of Calleigh Duquesne. "If it feels like the right thing to do then go for it. Nothing is stronger than your instinct."

"Thanks, Alexx. I needed this."

"Now you better come to me when you're pregnant. I want to be the first to know." Alexx said, watching Calleigh's shocked face with amusement.

"Alexx!" Calleigh said blushing.

"I'm just saying." she said putting her hands up.

"I know I could trust you. If it happens."

"If?" Alexx said laughing.

"Yes, if." Calleigh said, laughing for what seemed like the first time in years.

**A/N Review:D**


	4. Chapter Four Getting Help

Chapter Four: Getting Help

"Hey, sweetheart. Ready to go home?" asked Horatio, as he walked into the locker room that was empty all but Calleigh. He walked up behind her and put his arms around her, kissing her cheek softly.

"Just about." she answered, grabbing her jacket out of her locker and closing it softly. "Now I am."

"Let's go." he said softly in her ear.

As they started to head out of the locker room, Calleigh saw a knife sitting on the bench that someone had carelessly left out.

"Cal..." Horatio gently prompted, pushing slightly on her arms.

"I need to try, Horatio."

"Just walk forward. Fight it." he said, rubbing her upper arms.

Calleigh lunged forward and grabbed the knife. She had the blade popped open in seconds.

"Calleigh..." he said, urgently.

She stood on the other side of the bench, staring at the blade, letting the light glint off of it.

"Give it to me, Cal." Horatio said holding out his hand.

"I can't." she screamed, throwing the knife into a corner and falling to knees, covering her eyes, sobbing.

"Oh Calleigh." Horatio said, leaping over the bench so he could hold Calleigh. He knelt next to her, his arms tight around her quaking body. He whispered words of comfort into her hair. "You're safe."

"I'm...I'm never...safe!" she said, between sobs. "I'm always carrying it. It goes everywhere I go. I can't escape it!"

"I think you need some professional help, Cal. I can only do so much."

Calleigh was sobbing so hard she could barely breathe.

"Calm down. You're in my arms. I'm here." Horatio said as he pulled Calleigh onto his lap. He rocked her as she sobbed. "Breathe. We can stay here as long as we need to. Just let it out. You just need to cry."

After about ten minutes later, Calleigh looked up into Horatio's caring eyes and said, "I don't know what I'd do without you. You're always here when I need you. It's like you know my thoughts. When it's taking over me. I really don't think I could survive right now without you."

"You mean the world to me, Calleigh. I care about you."

"Why? Why do you care? I'm not worth it." she said bowing her head.

"I care because I love you. It's worth it to me."

"I love you too. I'll always love you." Calleigh said, cuddling into Horatio's chest. "I'm afraid I've hurt you in a way that you will never be able to heal."

"What are you talking about? The only thing I've become because of this is more caring, thoughtful, loving." he said as he looked into her eyes.

"I'm just afraid. This is the reason that I hadn't told anyone before this. I didn't want to hurt them."

"You'll never be able to hurt me. I love you enough that I realize how much this hurts you. I know it's hard and that's why I care. I know what it's like. I've been through times where I've had problems similar to your's."

"Really?" Calleigh asked looking deep into Horatio's eyes.

"Yes."

"I don't know what I'd do without you."

"I don't know what I'd do without you either."

"Thanks, Horatio."

"Are you ready to go home?"

"Yes. Home with you."

The next morning, Calleigh woke up in Horatio's arms, happier than she had been in a long time. She rolled over and got up, headed to the kitchen to make coffee. She easily found the coffee mugs and was able to make the coffee without any troubles. Just as the coffee was finished, she felt a pair of arms wrap around her waist and lips brushing her neck.

"Morning, handsome!" Calleigh said cheerfully. He loved hearing her sweet southern accent.

Horatio answered her by turning her in his hands and kissing her softly.

"You didn't have to make the coffee."

"But I wanted to."

"I'm very grateful." he said, taking the mug from Calleigh's hand. He took a careful sip. She had made it just the way he liked it.

"Mmm, it's perfect."

"I hoped I had got it right." she said, twirling a piece of her hair in her fingers as she carefully sipped her cup.

"Let's go outside." said Horatio, setting his mug down on the counter and taking Calleigh's hand.

She followed him outside. They stood leaning against the railing of the balcony, taking in the warm, gentle, salty feel of the mist of the ocean. He knew she loved feeling the mist. It seemed like he knew almost everything about her. Almost.

"I love watching the sunrise." said Calleigh softly as she slowly rubbed Horatio's hand. She knew how he liked that. She knew very little about him. He was so quiet about his past. It took her awhile to get him to tell her anything about his past. She finally decided that if he didn't want her to know, she wouldn't pressure him anymore.

"Calleigh," he began.

"Yes," she said turning so she had her back against the rail.

"I know I've kept a lot of my past to your imagination but I..."

"Shh," she said, putting her finger on his lips. "If you're not ready, I won't pressure you. You need to tell me when you're ready. Not when I'm ready."

"Thank you, Calleigh. I'm glad you understand. I don't know if I could go through those feelings again." he said, looking out across the horizon. His eyes looked troubled.

"Well, when you're ready, I'm here." she said, rubbing his shoulder. She knew it wasn't easy to tell people things. She just knew it was worth it.

"Thanks." he said pulling her into his arms and kissing the top of her head.

"Anytime, handsome. Anytime."

They stayed watching the sunrise for about another ten minutes. They decided it was time to go to work at seven-thirty. When they got to work, they paused in his hummer before going inside.

"Thanks for talking, Cal. I know it isn't easy but it's worth it."

"You're always welcome, Horatio." she said, leaning across the gap between the seats and gave Horatio a big hug.

They got out and went their separate ways.

"Hey Cal, how are you doing?" asked Alexx.

"I'm doing better, thanks to you and Horatio." she said, giving Alexx one of her famous smiles.

"I'm glad."

"Me too. When I woke up this morning, I felt so... happy."

"Because of Horatio?"

"I think so," she said, biting her lip.

"So what are you going to do? About the problem." Alexx asked, gingerly.

"Well, Horatio thinks I need to see a therapist."

"That's not a bad idea, Cal."

"I know. I just... I don't know... I want to go see someone but then again I don't want to."

"Well, the final decision is up to you but it might help."

"Thanks Alexx."

"You're very welcome."

"Ms. Duquesne?" an unfamiliar voice asked.

"That's me." said Calleigh, standing up slowly because she was so nervous. She had never been to a therapist before.

As she walked into the office, she wanted to run. She knew she shouldn't. She was finally here. There was no turning back now.

"How are you today, Ms. Duquesne?" the therapist asked, shaking Calleigh's hand.

"I'm okay. I guess."

"What seems to be troubling you, Ms. Duquesne?"

"Please. Call me Calleigh."

"Okay, Calleigh. What's on your mind?"

"Well... I've... um... sorta..."

"I'm here for you to talk to. I can't help you if I don't know what the problem is."

"Well, there's no easy way to say this. I've been cutting myself." Calleigh said, quickly wiping the tear that had escaped from her eye.

"That is a problem. It's good that you came here now. It becomes worse after so much time."

"How would you know?" Calleigh yelled as she burst into tears. She stood up, and turning to the door she said in almost a whisper, "I doubt anyone could help me now."

"Calleigh, I don't know for sure if I can help you but we'll never know unless you can trust me." she said in a soft voice.

"I don't know if I can trust anyone anymore." she said as she walked out the door.

As Calleigh walked quickly down the hall, she started to cry even harder. When she got outside in the beautiful sunshine, she turned and jogged to the beach. Even since she had been a little kid, the beach had always been somewhere she could go for peace and comfort. If she had ever needed comfort in her life, now was that time.

She sat on a rock while she took her shoes off and rolled up the pant legs of her dress pants. She didn't roll them up to cut herself, but so she could wade in the water. She stood up and walked out into the water. The moment the water washed across her feet, she started to calm down.

"Calleigh?" said a familiar voice. She froze. "Calleigh? Is that you?"

All she wanted was to be alone. She started to run, forgetting about her shoes.

"Calleigh! Come back."

She could hear him running behind her. Before she knew it, he had grabbed her around the waist. In an instant she was on the ground. She could feel him on top of her. She tried to push him off of her, but he didn't budge.

"Remember me?" said a voice that made chills run up and down her spine. She recognized it in an instant. It was him. She was sure of it.


	5. Chapter Five Reaction Time

**A/N Hey everybody! I want to thank those of you awesome people that review! Reviews keep me going so keep writing them! Enjoy!  
Disclaimer: I wish I owned them...but I don't.  
**

Chapter Five: Reaction Time

"Hey Alexx, have you heard from Calleigh about her meeting?" asked a very concerned Horatio.

"I haven't. How did it go?" asked Alexx, as she made an incision into the dead body lying in front of her.

"I don't know. I haven't seen her since she left. I tried calling her cell phone but she isn't answering. She said she'd answer her cell phone if I called her even if she was still in her meeting. I'm getting worried, Alexx. She could be dead for all I know."

"Horatio, we can't think like that. She knows she can fight. She's done it before and she can do it again." Alexx said, reaching over and rubbing his shoulder.

"Horatio, you're going to want to come." said Natalia, walking into the morgue, urgency in her voice. "It's Calleigh. She collapsed upstairs."

"Call me with an update." Alexx called after them as they ran out the door.

"Calleigh! What happened?" asked Horatio, as he got to her side.

"I..." she began, wincing in pain as the paramedics put her into the ambulance. She was sobbing.

"Calleigh, you're going to be okay. I'm here." he said, as he grabbed her hand, sitting beside her. The ambulance doors closed and they began to move.

"Ow!" Calleigh cried out in pain, her eyes shut tight. Horatio felt helpless. All he could do was hold her hand. He looked over her and realized how many bruises covered her body. She had several bruises on her face, covering her beautiful features. She didn't even look like herself.

"Horatio, I'm scared." she said, looking up into his eyes. Her face was filled with fear and pain.

"You have every right to be, sweetheart. I need you to tell me what happened."

As soon as he said that, she burst into a huge set of tears.

"I need you to relax, Cal. I'm here. You need to let it out but we don't want your health to get worse."

She calmed as soon as he started to rub her cheek with his thumb.

"I'm here for you, Cal. I'm here because I love you and because you need me."

It didn't seem like much but it was the one thing that Calleigh needed to hear at that moment. She needed to know someone loved her. In the last hour, she didn't think anyone loved her. Most of all, she thought no one would ever see her again.


	6. Chapter Six Learning to Cry

**A/N Hey guys! Thank you so much for reviewing! It makes my whole day! I hope you enjoy the next chapter!**

**Disclaimer: If you think I own them, you must be having the same dream I am!**

Chapter Six: Learning to Cry

"Mr. Horatio Caine?" asked the doctor, coming out of Calleigh's room. Horatio stood up immediately.

"How's she doing?" he said, unconsciously putting his hands on his hips.

"Well, she'll survive. She has serval injuries that will keep her out of work for awhile. She still is semi-unconscious but her vitals are strong. She is on several pain medications and might seem kind of out of it. She does need some special care to keep her healing. She'll need someone to stay with her at all times."

"I'll take care of it. Thank you for taking great care of my girl. " said Horatio, reaching out and turning the doorknob. As the door swung inwards, Horatio took in his surroundings. The room was relatively dark. Only one lamp by Calleigh's bed was on. As Horatio shut the door, blocking off any other light coming in, it seemed to shut off any sounds that were outside. The only sound that was left was the monitors that were beeping. Horatio looked at Calleigh and almost started to cry. Her face was wrapped with gauze as well as almost the rest of her body. Her left arm was in a green cast and propped up on a white pillow. Her eyes were red and swollen from crying so much.

As he got to the end of her bed, he paused, watching her chest moving up and down. She slept so beautifully even all wrapped up the way she was. A tear ran down his cheek. He felt horrible and happy at the same time. He was happy Calleigh would be okay. He felt horrible because this was another thing he couldn't protect her from. First it was the knifes and now this. He couldn't believe it. The tears started to fall down his cheeks freely. He didn't care what he looked like. All he cared about was his Calleigh. He didn't make a sound the whole time he cried but he swore he could hear his heart breaking. He hadn't been able to protect her. He felt useless.

He walked to the side of her bed as she started to stir. He wiped his tears away so she wouldn't see them. That was the last thing she needed right now, to see him crying. It was the last thing he wanted to show her. He needed to be strong for her now, but he knew he would break down later.

"Hello, Sunshine." he said, reaching out to take her hand as she opened her eyes and turned her head toward him. Before he even touched her, she drew back and hid her face like a misbehaving puppy. Horatio drew back his hand shocked. She had never pulled away and hid from him before. Then he realized what she had been through. He felt stupid and ashamed at the same time.

"Calleigh, it's me. Don't be afraid." he said in a tender voice, hoping to convince her. She didn't make a sound.

He couldn't believe it. She wouldn't even respond to him. He started to walk over to the door when he heard her voice. It didn't sound like the usual Calleigh that he knew.

"Horatio. I need you to stay there. I need some space right now. I've been through a lot. I need to make the first move, not you. I know it will be hard but I need you to trust me. I still feel the same way about you but I can't do this right now." He turned around to see her eyes glistening with unshed tears.

"I still love you but I'm scared, Horatio. I'm scared he'll come back."

"Calleigh. If you trust me, you'll let me touch you." He slowly started to walk back over to the side of her bed.

"I trust you, Horatio but..."

"Shh. If you can't do this now, let me know. Please don't cower. It makes me feel like a monster."

"A monster did this to me." she said softly, watching Horatio's every move.

He slowly walked to her side and pulled up a chair. He sat down and again, slowly started to reach out his hand to hold her hand. He watched her, watching him. She started to tense as he got closer. He noticed.

"I won't do this if you're not ready, Cal. I trust your decision and I will respect it."

"I don't know. I don't know about anything anymore."

He kept moving his hand towards her at the same slow rate. He paused when he was within touching distance. He looked up to get her approval before he went on. She slowly nodded. He didn't move a muscle.

"If you're really ready, Cal, you need to close the gap." said Horatio softly, not wanting to disturb the quiet of the room. She looked up from their hands and into his eyes. What she saw made up her mind. She saw love, compassion, and understanding. She slowly closed the gap. He smiled as she held his hand. She returned his smile with a soft smile of her own. He felt like he was on cloud nine. He wanted to reach up and hug her but he realized what a big step that would be for her. That would have to wait.

Tears started to fall down Calleigh's cheeks like a waterfall. Only one tear slid down Horatio's cheek. It was unnoticed by Calleigh.

"Horatio," she said between sobs, "will you hug me?"

He answered by standing up, leaning over her, and pulling her into a loose embrace. When she put her arms around him, crying into his chest, he hugged her a little bit tighter. He still didn't hug her that tightly because of her bruises, but he hugged her tight enough to let her know he would be with her every step of the way.

"I love you, Horatio." she said softly into his ear.

"I love you too, Cal."

"How is own girl doing?" asked Alexx, walking in on Horatio and Calleigh having a conversation. They were talking quietly apparently about something private.

"Hi, Alexx." said Calleigh, turning her head on her pillow. She had been in the hospital for almost a week. Horatio had been with her every second he could. He hadn't been pushy at all about their relationship, something Calleigh was very grateful for. Alexx was the one person that Calleigh didn't mind coming around everyday. In fact she had gotten used to seeing her.

"Horatio, can I have a minute with Calleigh alone for a second?" Before answering, Horatio looked over to Calleigh for approval. She nodded.

"Sure. I'm kind of hungry anyways." He stood up and kissed Calleigh on the forehead on his way out. He pulled the door shut as he left.

"What do you need, Alexx?" said Calleigh, concern in her voice.

"Honey, there's no way to say this without saying it straight out. Someone needs to know who did this to you. You need to tell someone what happened."

Calleigh looked down at her hands in her lap. "What if I can't?"

"Why wouldn't you be able to?" said Alexx, walking up beside her and rubbing her upper arm. Calleigh didn't even flinch.

"I want him to go to jail but I don't at the same time. He threatened me." she said, looking off into space. Alexx watched her not making a sound. She realized Calleigh was reliving what happened that day. Calleigh winced and then pulled her legs up to her chest, sobbing. Her eyes were shut tight.

"Oh Calleigh, honey." said Alexx, wrapping her arms around Calleigh. Calleigh instantly tried to remove them but Alexx held on tight. "Let it out, Cal. Let it out."

"Let go of me." Calleigh said softly as she sobbed.

"You need someone here for you right now. Just let it go. You've been through hard times and I understand that but you're killing us slowly, Cal. Horatio is taking the brunt of this storm. He's hurting because you hardly let him show affection. I realize what happened to you and how hard it has impacted you but you need to let it go. Tell someone. It won't be as much of a burden." said Alexx as she rocked Calleigh back and forth.

For what seemed like forever, Alexx held onto Calleigh. Calleigh eventually in return held Alexx just as tightly. As they were hugging, Calleigh whispered into Alexx's shoulder, "It just feels so wrong but yet so right at the same time."

"You're amazing Calleigh but you need to understand that someone needs to know what happened." said Alexx, finally releasing Calleigh from her grip.

"It's just that I don't really want to bring up my past. I want to move on into my future with a man that loves me." Her eyes drifted out the door in the direction that Horatio had gone in. Alexx knew exactly who she was talking about without even following her gaze.

"Cal, I know it's hard but to move on you need to tell someone." Alexx turned back towards the blonde and gave her a gentle smile. "I'm listening when you're ready."

"Alexx, if I'm going to tell someone, Horatio should be the first one to know. He deserves to hear it and why that man did what he did." Calleigh's eyes floated out into the distance and Alexx could tell she wasn't really looking at what was in front of her. She knew Calleigh was thinking about that dreaded afternoon that had made her the way she was today. She saw Calleigh wince and flinch several times. She wanted to step in so many times but she knew that Calleigh had to do this alone. Finally, Calleigh rolled over and curled up into a tight ball.

"Do you want me to go get Horatio?" Alexx asked softly. She heard and saw Calleigh break down but her nod was unmistakable. Alexx left the room quietly in search of Horatio.

When Alexx got back to the room with Horatio, Calleigh was in the same position as when she left. Alexx left Horatio in the room with Calleigh, closing the door softly on her way out.

"Hey Cal." Horatio said softly crossing the room as not to startle Calleigh. He didn't expect any affection since she seemed to avoid it at all costs.

"Hey," was her only response. It seemed that with every time she didn't seem to react the same way as before, a part of his heart broke. It seemed that it was another crack in the real Calleigh that he couldn't fix. He was so upset and mad but at the same time she was trying so hard that it made him happy.

"I sorry, Cal, but I can't do this anymore," he said turning around to face her. "It seems like you've given up on trying to become yourself again. I can't be here if you don't want me to. I need some air." he said, quickly exiting the room so he wouldn't explode. She was trying but apparently not hard enough. A tear dropped onto her pillow. They started to come faster and faster. Soon she was sobbing so hard she could barely breath. Luckily a nurse heard her and gave her some morphine to calm her down. She was sleeping within a few seconds.

When Horatio got back to Calleigh's room, she was still sleeping soundly. He walked over to the window and pulled back the curtains. He gazed out across the familiar horizon. He never got tired of seeing some things. The Miami skyline was one and Calleigh happy was the other. He couldn't help but think that Calleigh might never be happy because of him. He had a breakdown. He couldn't seem to stop the tears from falling. He jumped when he heard a soft cry from behind him. He turned around to see Calleigh with tears falling down her cheeks freely. She held out her arms, welcoming an embrace. Horatio smiled as he walked towards her. He sat on the bed beside her and hugged her with all his might. She hugged back with the same force. He finally understood what it meant to love someone with all your heart. He finally understood what it meant to cry from your heart. In those few minutes, he learned more about himself then he'd ever known. He knew that it was okay to cry in front of Calleigh. He finally felt at peace. Calleigh finally wanted him again. His Calleigh was finally coming back. She might be the same again. She just might.

**A/N Thanks in advance for reviews!!! I want to know what you think will happen next and what you hope will happen next!!! If you tell me I'll post sooner:D**


	7. Chapter Seven: Breathtaking

**A/N Hey everybody!!! Sorry it's taken me so long to update! I've had a bad case of writer's block! Thanks to all of you for the reviews! I appreciate them more than you know! I hope you enjoy the last chapter of _Confusion and Hurt_!!!**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing but Mark Hardy. **

Chapter Seven: Breathtaking

"Wow." said Calleigh, blown away by the view.

"I know! Just look at you." said Horatio, laughing as he held Calleigh close in his arms.

"Horatio," said Calleigh, blushing. She buried her face into his chest, only for a moment, before turning her head back towards the sunset. She loved when he brought her here. It was the highest point in Miami. It overlooked the entire city. She loved being up here.

"Cal," Horatio began, the seriousness of his voice made Calleigh become concerned. "I'm sorry I wasn't there for you when you really needed me. You should have been able to come to me about the cutting before it happened."

"Horatio, it's over now. Don't worry about it. It was my fault." Calleigh said, shushing him briefly before he started again.

"I want you to know that if you ever need to talk to me about anything, you come and see me as soon as you can. I hope you know you can trust me."

"That's where you're wrong, Horatio. You shouldn't hope, you should know. Know that I trust you with my life."

"I love you, sweetheart." he said, pulling her in tight again.

"I love you too, handsome." she said, holding him just as tightly back.

"Calleigh, I've been meaning to talk to you about something." he said, waiting for her reaction.

"Horatio, can it wait? I want to enjoy tonight, just relax. Let's forget about everything tonight and worry about it tomorrow. " she said, closing her eyes, letting the smell of the ocean wash over her.

Horatio thought about the ring in his pocket but choose to forget it. "Sure. It can wait. I'm glad you..."

"Shh," said Calleigh, putting a finger on his lips. "You're cute when you babble but I kinda wanted to enjoy the silence. Just for tonight."

Horatio nodded in agreement. He turned his gaze back to the breathtaking view.

They watched the sunset in silence, taking in the view. Everything had worked itself out in the end. Mark Hardy had been put in jail for beating Calleigh. She got over the need to cut. She had found her true love. He loved her back.

Even though they had lived in Miami for so long, they both finally felt at home for the first time in years. Everything was perfect. Or was it?

**A/N I hope you enjoyed it!!! Please review (nicely!:D) and let me know if you think I should write a sequel! Thanks in advance!**


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